My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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