My first STD was from a foam party
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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