sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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