shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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