Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
