By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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