I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
