No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
