Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
