Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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