The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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