i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
