Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
