I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
