We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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