he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
