Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
