I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
