That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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