I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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