did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
