so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
