Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
