I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
