after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
