May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
