I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you never un-have a 4some
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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