last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
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I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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