M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
