Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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