think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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