you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
