So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
