Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
