I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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