curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
