Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Green mimosas i think yes
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
