last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
