theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
