what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
