dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
