I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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