You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
