i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
