when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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