I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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