you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
