you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
They are going to name an STD after you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
