My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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