Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
