i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
