i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So apparently I’m into choking now
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
