He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
