The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
