can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
