The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
