just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
